a personal entry
This is an excerpt from a book called "Dear Exile," which is the one-year written correspondence between two women friends. One woman writes of her breakup:"I hate the idea that he continues to pay his phone bills, to button his shirts, to age, to eat, to read or not read the newspaper. I hate that he lives in real time, that everything he does involves the decision that he didn't want to do it with me. Somewhere he's filling up his gas tank and I'm thinking about how I'd like to see the way his arm looks doing that[...]how his fingers looked, by themselves and against mine. How his sentences came slowly, for reasons I won't find out. How tired he was, how sad and tired all the time and determined to be well and good. How I wanted to heal him, not by helping him or carrying him but by huddling next to him. How I wanted to have his whole world, to move it in some way across my body, or to digest it, to have it be at once foreign and part of me. I wanted him to talk forever for the sound of his voice, for what he said and what made him think of it and what it made him think next, for how it sounded in the trees or in a room, for what the room said back."
No one told me life was fair; but I'm going to complain about its unfairness anyway. Why do men make women feel like fools? Note here that I say men, not love (I concede lust and infatuation must leave one feeling like a fool. Of course). Why do they pursue us, treat us well, pretend to be a friend and then disappear into their own lives? Were we wrong to hope that a person cared about us enough to want to be with us over a long period of time? Were we wrong to hope that this person wanted more than just fun and games? Were we wrong to believe him, to believe in him, to believe in a real relationship? And even at the end of it all, were we wrong to believe him when he said he wanted to still be friends? Left with feelings of frustration, disappointment, anger, hurt, disillusionment and foolishness, one is looking for someone to blame. I don't know where the blame falls although I know this post looks like I'm blaming men. And I know you (men and women) hate me for stereotyping (both men and women). But even if I weren't speaking from personal experience, in the past 6 months 11 women, that's right, 11 of the wonderful women I know have had uncannily similiar experiences; such that it's beginning to sound to me like all men have the same recipe for a relationship. And it's 12 women who have been hurt, but by 18 guys. These are not good statistics.
The pain could disappear instantly, if one could just erase all the memories. All I want is someone who wants to commit to me because he values me, who thinks being with me (not 24/7, certainly) is a joy and not a burden, someone who is my friend, someone whom I make a better person and who makes me a better person. This is love.
I realize that nothing is as it seems and that everything is more complicated than it appears. But the feelings I listed above remain, despite any understanding of the situation or of the guy, and I don't like feeling them. And I feel like such a fool for having believed that something beautiful could have lasted.
posted by leah v @ 8:57 PM
3 Comments:
Hi Leah,
This is Dale and my blog account. I've very little on the thing, but am trying to prepare some stuff form my looming move. I just thought I'd leave a comment with some thoughts about this one.
The personal thoughts I would like to respond to this should be reserved for a long coffee conversation kind of thing, so I won't elaborate here. However, from that whole logical perspective we like, one thought I have in regards to this is that things always get complicated when they involve male/female or yin/yang components of any sexual preference. It is hard to separate those aspects, which seem to be indicative of a different kind of lifelong committment than friendship, from straighforward friendship. As far as the straightforward stuff goes though, I've seen enough come and go, or at least wax and wane back and forth between heavy presence and frequent communication, and what seems to be total absence. I don't think that indicates a loss of friendship or poor intention. I just think it's clear life pushes and pulls us to and from people. When there are emotions of love accenting encounters that are also full of friendship, it is hard to discern what was indicative of love, and what the friendship, and thus it becomes easier to identify a normal shift in friendly presence with a personal rebuke. I'm not saying this is the case or not in any aspect of this situation, just that it is one thing to think about. Regardless, you're right, down with the male race it would seem, though I think you believe people are the same the world over to truly believe that.
Anyhow, I've been busy and shocked at the way this time here is wrapping up so quickly; it's hard to keep afloat one day from the next. I am going to go to some of those readings I emailed you about this week, so if you've an interest in joining me and have the time, let me know.
All for now.
D
dalb,
i thought about not publishing your comment but then realized that us human beings are all just trying to figure things out and perhaps the cool thing about blogging is that strangers, or perhaps even friends, who are not a part of the situation can look at the exchange and make their own observations, maybe even learn from it.
i wrote in a weak point, although all of my feelings are still real, it had been a series of escalating emotions/thoughts over a period of several weeks that culminated into one tiny detail that made me fall apart-a tiny detail that was based on an assumption.
the point is that i have just been...bewildered because my experience is not unique, although if it was unique i suppose that would be even more baffling, but the point is i'm blundering around trying to figure out patterns and reasons and sense, and then i just end up catagorizing everyone.
but you're right, i do believe we are the same the world over (in fact just last night i got even MORE evidence for this) and so i keep coming back to the problem of barriers, which is universal. women put them up, men put them up, teenagers, middle-aged, parents, children, governments, universities, nations, etc, etc. at the heart of it all is the problem of identity, differences, and walls.
other issues i think i'll address in a general way by blogging about them, and other issues we'll address over coffee for you, chai for me.
i really like your blog name.
after rereading that, i realize that i didn't respond at all to your comment. to sum up: you're right about waxing and waning-i have been thinking about this lately because i realized painfully that true to the old adage, the things i hate about other people are actually the things i hate about me.
amen.
thanks for publishing, both of you
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